All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.