My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.