I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
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Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
found this cool rock hiking today
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*