Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Does it…does it take 3 days
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond