Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
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[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”