Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
never forget
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.