Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away