6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
This week’s mood.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.