My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?