That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!