There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I am, perchance
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!