Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.