Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
You Might Also Like
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
That stupid look on my face, is my face