Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
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Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this