Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
This took me a second..
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
💁🏻♂️
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
this is uni
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?