This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.