Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
You Might Also Like
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]