what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
You Might Also Like
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep