I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
stand with me against insufficient seating
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out