“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.