I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.