*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
How times have changed.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time