If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
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“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
There is wisdom there.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.