Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?