If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils