So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Guys, I found it.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂