One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
#CoronaOutbreak
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome