Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
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Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
There’s no “u” in narcissist
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
early stone age tool
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.