sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
You Might Also Like
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill