the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
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anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Florida man
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.