Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
You Might Also Like
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee