cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.