Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present