i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
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Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.