I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
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KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
This headline is a thing of beauty
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
birds and squirrels envy us
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
…żyje?
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes