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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
This is my brand.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
time for some seasonal decor
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.