My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Jogging
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
This took me a second..
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’