did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
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[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.