To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.