I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*