While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.