Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
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This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My dad teaching me to drive
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
We’ve all been there
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.