The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card