[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.