Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
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“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.