My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott