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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Its true…
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.