I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water