I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
What the hell happened here.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.