BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
LOL
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE